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Damn.
What?
Isn't it a bit early?
You should prepare for vacation continuously.
Last year you started preparing in April and we still had to go back to Vienna for our passports.
I shouldn't have trusted Ozzak that he put the fanny pack in the car.
You should have trusted me that we don't need passports for Croatia.
Look, better safe than sorry.
What's certain is that it's going to be awful there again.
I'm not saying Skrbcic is some Riviera, but you know we have to avoid bigger tourist spots because of Ozzak.
So every year we're stuck in a hole that doesn't even have a shop.
But no police station either.
Dad, please, let's go somewhere else this year.
And what would you tell Mrs. Vinka?
You know how much she likes us.
So she always gives us the worst room and charges 10 kuna for a cot.
The mattress is glued together, so we'll save on the cot.
I'll call her tomorrow to say we're coming.
Yeah, and with those 10 kuna we could buy an ice cream at the disco.
Yay!
Ivuska?
Yeah?
Can you help me with this mattress?
You can't lift it.
It somehow got stuck to the table.
Jesus, this is going to be a drag.
All you do is complain.
Two weeks of my life in the biggest dump in the world.
But Mr. Ozzak said there's a disco there.
Three kilometers away there's a gas station that plays the radio.
The Yugoslavs go there to dance and call it a diskoteka.
Oh, I'd love to go there.
A disco where you can't smoke, that must be great.
Plus Dad's always on my back.
If Ozzak weren't there, I wouldn't even put on a two-piece swimsuit.
Ivo, you have a two-piece swimsuit?
Yeah, but Dad doesn't know.
And Mr. Ozzak helps you put it on?
You dummy.
So where can you wear it if you're always with your dad?
Well, that's what I'm saying.
Because Ozzak comes with us, causes trouble, Dad has to deal with it, and has no time for me.
At least I get to tan my belly.
Mom?
It's Tuesday, today Sasa eats.
Super.
I'm eating.
So what's up, holiday?
Going, going?
Like every year.
Super.
Mine's coming up too.
I'll close up shop here and off to the Two Ficuses.
What ficuses?
The Two Ficuses, that's my guesthouse.
Three bedrooms, color TV, fridge, and a bathroom.
Swanky.
It must be lovely there.
Wait, you've never been there?
No, Mom doesn't take us on vacation.
She says a vacation with kids isn't a vacation.
Sasa, how can you say that?
We have been.
Yeah.
We took a bus.
The 363 to the last stop.
Well see, that was more of a trip.
No, we slept there.
At the bus stop, because the next bus back wasn't until morning.
If you're somewhere overnight, it's a vacation.
Yeah.
Sis, don't be stupid.
Now we'll be home all alone.
We can come home whenever we want, do whatever we want, and nobody will look after us.
Lexa, that's already how it is.
Damn.
Good old disco.
Hey, Uncle.
Ivuska!
The mattress is glued to the table.
That means we're going again. Watch out.
Let's drink to that.
This summer you can drink?
No, today I'm eating.
I'll have two anyway, to get ready for that shark.
This year I'll catch it, I can feel it in my bones.
Uncle, how many times do I have to tell you there are no sharks in Croatia?
Every year the papers write that a shark ate someone there.
Usually teachers.
The papers just make that up because it's summer and nothing's happening.
Stuff happens.
People pickle cucumbers.
Wait, wait, it sounds like you're saying the papers lie.
They sure do.
Baloney.
Exactly.
Mushrooms get pickled in summer too.
Yeah, I'm on tap.
It'll be tough without him.
But a bottled beer with your brother on the beach has something to it too.
Too bad you keep going to check if gas prices dropped.
We could spend more time together.
Jesus, at least leave me the gas station, since I'm not allowed anywhere else.
Dad worries about you, it's not easy taking care of a family in a foreign country.
He stuffs the car with beer because of us.
Because of you, you mean.
And for you he learned Yugoslavian.
"Alcoholic, lunatic, I don't know him, and I'm not paying" - he learned those for you.
Well wait, he crammed a few words for you too.
Which ones?
"She won't go, she can't, she doesn't dance."
Welcome!
Cheers!
I think that went pretty well.
I think it would have gone better if you'd let me help.
You know how nervous I get when someone listens to me speaking Croatian on the phone.
Imagine how nervous the people you're calling must be.
Why do you think?
Because you confuse "goodbye" and "welcome," for example.
You were listening.
You were screaming like in the forest.
Then plug your ears.
Then I wouldn't have heard you booking a stay at the bus station instead of Srpen.
Really?
Kolovost is not kolodvor.
I must have read it wrong somehow.
I guess I should call again, right?
Do you want me to call?
Mrs. Vinka is used to my voice.
Bye, Sasa.
Bye.
Hey, don't you think she's acting kind of strange?
She's eating normally.
That's not the point, it's her turn.
But she's looking at us weird.
It gives me the chills.
And that book she gave me.
The title clearly says sci-fi, but I'm on page 20 and there are no robots anywhere.
Unless the robot is that woman.
She sure doesn't act like a human.
It's obvious.
She wants to go on vacation with you.
You think so?
I was hoping after the 363 incident they'd give up on family vacations.
Jesus, just take them.
It's nice when a family is on vacation together.
What is it?
You're not a robot, are you?
Simona, don't be silly.
A vacation like that can be a wonderful thing.
You just have to know how to organize it.
See?
I've got everything written down here.
So after today's meeting, everyone will know what to do.
Here.
Ivo, check the shopping list.
Ozzak, take a bath.
Ivo, pack the suitcases.
Me, wash the car.
Plan, assign tasks, check.
Ouch!
What are you doing?
You were talking like a robot.
Why are you stabbing yourself with a fork?
Robots don't feel pain.
Simona, you're a total nutcase.
Sorry, I'm a bit wound up.
I need a vacation.
Jesus, don't squeeze.
Go.
Just look at me.
A complete bundle of nerves.
Am I in any shape to survive a family vacation?
No.
I'll go to the Two Ficuses alone.
Well, suit yourself.
Can't wait to be there.
Peace, relaxation, food, excellent Italian cuisine delivered right to your door.
And in the evening, outside the window, the cries...
...of cormorants.
Cormorants?
But where is it actually?
Why?
Just curious.
Oh, okay then.
So where is it?
Bozkov.
There are cormorants there?
Yeah, those pests are everywhere.
Damn, another puma escaped in the Bruntal region.
That's the third one this week.
Ivo, are we dragging the chess set along again?
I never even open it there.
If it rains, it'll come in handy.
It won't rain.
It's going to be a wonderful vacation.
If we learn from past mistakes.
So this year we're going somewhere else?
Would you stop.
Is there a meeting?
Yeah.
Then I'm off.
Nowhere.
I have a list of tasks here.
Got it?
Wow, Ivuska, look how hard Daddy tries and cares.
Well, I'm off.
Sit down!
You've got the most on the list.
Jesus Christ, just get on with it!
Fine, I'll start with you.
Why me first?
I thought you were in a hurry.
I am, but I hate being first.
Start with someone else.
And then go by alphabetical order.
Fine.
Frantisek.
I've been spotted!
Fine, I'll start with myself.
Okay.
Tomas, which is alphabetically after O, so let me skip him.
Tomas, on the highway, don't forget the minimum speed limit.
Right, Ivo.
Wait, that's all for you?
Well, apart from the fine for holding up a combine harvester, I've got nothing.
Of course.
Well, the one who writes it knows himself, right?
Right, Ivo.
Don't forget sweaters.
What if this year we didn't cross the Alps over the top for a change?
And pay for tunnels?
We're not millionaires.
Now you, bro.
First, don't laugh at Croatian.
Would you stop!
If you want to come with us, you have to get used to the fact that Srecko Piculin is a normal name there.
Enough!
It's always jokes, jokes, and then Lieutenant Piculin makes us sit at the border for six hours because of you two.
How because of us two?
You argued with him that you wouldn't pay duty.
And who had an unreasonable amount of alcohol?
What's unreasonable about three hundred bottles?
If you'd paid, we wouldn't have had to wait while Ozzak drank everything over the limit.
If you were wearing something more decent, Piculin wouldn't have given us a body search.
If you hadn't called him a fascist, he wouldn't have dismantled our car.
Enough!
Ivo in a sweater even across the border, Ozzak takes a maximum of four cases this year.
Are you crazy?
That barely gets me through the trip.
I've spoken.
Then I'm not going.
Wait, Uncle, you can't.
Why not?
Because I need you.
You're always at the gas station anyway.
And what about medic duty?
Not going.
Don't push it, or I'll really leave you at home.
Fine by me.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Fine.
Fine then.
Did you see that?
So Ozzak is staying home?
At least we'll have more time for each other.
Let me into that store, I need to buy something.
Not yet.
They're still whitening your father's lunch meats.
He doesn't like them?
He does, actually.
Are you mad at him?
How could I be?
He's taking me on an amazing vacation now.
Together all the time, just the two of us.
A family idyll.
Lucky you.
Don't you want to come with us?
We have to stay here with Lexa.
Why?
It's embarrassing.
Just tell me.
But Mom said I can't tell anyone.
Well then, nothing can be done about that.
I have to cook for the elves.
What?
Mom says she's in charge of the elves in the building, and when she's on vacation, I have to cook for them.
Do you really think elves come to your place to eat?
They don't come.
I put the food outside the door.
Jesus, it doesn't matter where, there are no elves.
I think so too.
Yeah, that's a relief.
Except the pot is always empty in the morning.
So someone in the building is eating it.
I think it's probably the building manager.
If you think so, then check, damn it.
I'd rather not.
Why not?
What if it turned out to be the elves after all?
Okay, so what do the elves eat?
Bolognese spaghetti with parmesan.
Let's give him some.
And what about Lexa?
Does he make their little beds?
No, he's in charge of chasing away bats.
I actually saw some outside our window.
And I'm not sure if they really feed on human blood.
And if they're really most afraid of cormorants.
I'm pretty good at this, right?
Was I imagining it, or did I hear a cormorant?
So how did the meeting go?
I'd rather go alone.
So you're not a robot.
A family vacation is such a burden.
Come on, let's have a shot.
They don't appreciate what I do for them at all.
I take care of everything and what do I get.
Christ, what is that?
Oil.
Why do you have oil in there?
You stopped talking like a robot, but I wanted to be a hundred percent sure.
Sorry about that.
I've got some eggnog here, let's fix the taste.
But not a word to Ozzak, if he knew I drank this, he'd never let me hear the end of it.
Don't remind me of Ozzak.
But now I'll get a break from him.
What break?
He's staying home.
What?
He doesn't feel like going.
How doesn't he?
You're just going to let him?
What can I do, he's an adult.
Jesus, I don't know, order him to go.
What am I supposed to order him?
You all have to go, you're a family.
Simona?
Yeah?
Now you're the one talking like a robot.
Let go, that's my father.
Excuse me, that's my father.
When he goes to the bathroom, I'll run to you.
Ivo, hurry up.
Otherwise the elves will go hungry.
Ivo, are you taking the harpoon?
No, Canasta.
Take it if you want.
Super.
So I don't need to get a flail.
I'll run to you when he goes to the bathroom.
Brushing up on my Croatian.
It's going to be a wonderful vacation.
I can feel it in my bones.
Marcelka translated this for me.
We're coming just the two of us, my brother, thank God, is not coming.
So we'll only need one room.
We're looking forward to a lovely vacation.
So I won't even have my own room.
We're not millionaires.
Look on the bright side.
We can chat every evening before bed.
Right, it's five o'clock, Vinka is bathing the donkey, so I'll call tonight.
Oh, something else to cheer you up.
We're going dancing.
Marcelka said that on the day we arrive, Zoran is ceremonially opening a Senior Home in Skrbcic.
That's great, thanks.
It'll be a blast.
You're sweet, but you know I'll have to go to the gas station.
Not your term paper.
Ivuska, you'll have to find a different topic than tracking fuel prices on the Adriatic.
The disco is gone.
What do you mean gone?
It blew up.
They didn't follow the smoking ban.
And they're not opening anything else in its place?
They are.
The senior home.
I'm going to pack my suit.
Sasa?
Yes?
I'll be on vacation.
Lucky you.
I might need something else translated.
Don't touch my butt, you old pig.
Don't grab my butt, you filthy old man.
You speak Croatian?
Just that.
My darling used to complain differently every time.
We're looking forward to a lovely vacation.
Sasa, take the dictionary too.
Forget about it.
The bats aren't coming this year.
Really?
Too bad.
I'm a good cormorant.
Excellent.
Hey.
Whoa, what's this field trip?
Dad's calling Croatia and doesn't want us to make him nervous.
Ivo, you're terrible.
What?
You look a bit down.
The vacation is ruined.
Some bum is going to hang around our apartment.
I'll be home too.
That's great, right?
Exactly.
That was supposed to mean...
Mean what?
This.
Marcelka, tell everyone what you wrote on this paper for me in Croatian.
That you're coming as always, but just two of you.
What does it say now?
We're canceling the vacation, we're never coming again.
If you try to contact us, the donkey won't survive.
How could you?
Don't you know how weak Vinka's heart is?
If I hadn't noticed it was whited out, it could have killed her.
That donkey is her only companion.
But...
You had it all figured out, little girl.
And don't think I didn't find that letter supposedly from Vinka saying she has no room for us?
You even changed the handwriting so I wouldn't recognize it.
Sasa wrote that.
Nice one, Sasa.
But I had to write it, otherwise she wouldn't have brought me spaghetti from the store.
Nice one, Ivo.
Why are you praising them?
Ivo, you're a regular con artist.
You should write your paper on youth crime, not gasoline.
Jesus, what was I supposed to do?
What do you mean?
If you don't want to take Ozzak, then I don't want to go either.
Ivuska.
It would be boring there without you, Uncle.
Ozzak himself said he wouldn't go.
Because you didn't want to take me.
I didn't want to take the beer.
No beer, no brother.
And what about me?
Fine, for 8 cases I'll go.
Dad.
Alright, fine.
And I'm taking the harpoon and the trident.
Forget about that.
Piculin won't let us across the border with those.
It really is a weird name, isn't it?
Piculin.
What if he's there again.
I won't survive it.
Son, Piculin.
What's wrong with him?
Nothing, it's all too much for him.
Piculin.
Wait.
Just so there's no confusion.
Are you going?
Yeah.
All of you.
Yeah.
Great.
Lexa, did you hear?
What, Mom?
Bats.
Oh yeah.
Look, edelweiss.
So I'd jump out, pick it, take a little walk, and wait for you at the top?
Stop it!
What are we doing in the Alps today?
Sorry.
Do you realize we can get fined for a thrown bottle?
So I'd jump out, pick it up, and wait for you at the top.
You can't be serious.
I want a moment of peace.
I'll turn it off for you!
Don't rummage around in there!
So I'd just hop out.
Seriously, stop already!
Listen to the music, look around, it's so damn beautiful here!
There's bolognese spaghetti here.
Yeah, that's the one.
That damn combine harvester is following me.
Jesus, just let it pass.
No, I'll outrun it.
And we're back with the Czech broadcast on Radio Adriatic.
We have an important warning.
According to the coast guard, a shark has been spotted near the island of Krk by Czech tourists.
A shark, bro, step on it, step on it!
I'm trying.
He's passing us.